Do you take failures to heart and think they reflect your worth? Or are you the type of person who sees failure as an opportunity to learn and grow? Are you a little of both? These characteristics define the fixed and growth mindsets. Until about a month ago I had no idea what either of them were, but now I am considering them in every aspect of my life.
What is a Fixed Mindset?
A simple definition of a fixed mindset is that your potential is defined. You either have “it” or you don’t. The idea is that you are born with certain abilities and that you cannot grow and learn past these predetermined set-points.
A fixed mindset changes failure from something you do to something you are (I failed vs. I’m a failure). Sounds crazy right? But it happens and we don’t even realize it. When we have this mindset, we have an excuse for our failures. If we owned them, we would be failures instead of someone who just failed at something. Can you see how awful this is? It just breeds more failure. It leads to procrastination (who wants to rush failure?), giving up (better not risk failing), and stress (people will see I’m a failure).
What is a Growth Mindset?
A growth mindset is one in which you believe you can develop your abilities. You are not born with a set amount of talent that can’t be built upon. A growth mindset allows you to push through your failures to become better. It is about the journey of growing and learning. You feel there is always potential to be more. With a growth mindset you thrive in challenging situations. This person knows that the work will be hard, but it will be worth it in the end because they will learn from it. There is no growth without a little discomfort. They never stop at saying they don’t know how to do something. They would say they don’t know how to do something YET. We are always capable of learning.
You can have both mindsets for different aspects of your life. I have both.
My Mindsets
I have a fixed mindset when it comes to relationships. I’ve always thought that a breakup was a statement about me. That it defined me. That something was wrong with me and that was why I couldn’t keep a guy. I felt like a failure every time I got dumped. I would feel threatened if we didn’t agree on everything. Afraid we weren’t meant to be, and he would leave. From what I’ve read, people with a fixed mindset believe that relationships should be like the fairy-tales we read as kids. Either it’s meant to be, or it isn’t. You shouldn’t have to put any work into a relationship. I used to feel this way. Thinking this way caused me to lack the tools necessary to heal.
Therefore, I’ve been doing the work to change my mindset on relationships. I have stopped internalizing it and blaming myself. Instead, I sit and think about what went wrong and my role in it. I try to think on if I could have done something differently. How I can learn from the experience so that I can have a better relationship the next time. This has been a game changer for me. Break ups obviously still hurt, but they don’t devastate me like they used to. Before I would fall into a pit of despair that I didn’t think I would be able to crawl out of. I wouldn’t be able to get out of bed. I would feel worthless. Things are different now. I cry but I’m still grateful for the experience. There aren’t any regrets.
I have a growth mindset when it comes to learning how to do things. It never occurs to me that I can’t learn to gain the ability to do something. When my first nephew was turning one, I didn’t want him to have a “normal” birthday cake. I wanted to make him one that you’d see on one of those cake decorating TV shows. I had never done anything like that before. If I had baked a cake in the past it was in a 9×13 baking pan, using store-bought cake mix and a tub of frosting. I did lots of research and was proud of my first “fancy” cake creation. It ended up turning into a great hobby that I continue to enjoy. I’ve also learned how to crochet, make furniture and change parts on my truck out of necessity.
My point is that by having a growth mindset, failure isn’t even an option. It doesn’t occur to me that I can’t do it. So, if it doesn’t work out on my first attempt, I keep trying until it does. I never doubt that I can actually complete the task. In those difficult times, I always feel like there is a way. Even if that means asking/paying for help. At least I tried.
Changing From Fixed to Growth
I am not sure that a fixed mindset will ever truly go away. I think it just becomes weaker as your growth mindset becomes stronger. The key is to be aware of your fixed mindset. When you start having those limiting feelings, realize that they are coming from a place of fear. It’s just your security blanket that is your fixed mindset making you feel that way.
Acknowledge the fear and push through it. Recognize that failure doesn’t define you.
Don’t worry what others think. Your opinion is the only one that matters.
So, when things get difficult, remind yourself of the “YET”. You haven’t figured out the answer YET. You don’t know how to do it YET.
In the end, trust that you are more than capable of accomplishing anything you set your mind to. You may not get it on the first try, the second, and maybe even the third, but failing is ok. Learn from it and try again. If you ask me, I think the wins are much sweeter when you have to work harder for them.
